bingeworthy

By Daniel Blanchard

Today is Valentine’s Day, the feast day of poor Valentinus, who was brutally tortured and executed by the Romans on this very day in 273 AD for merrily and carelessly marrying soldiers to each other with complete disregard for law and convention.

Right at this moment, somewhere between one thousand and several billion people are brushing their teeth and plucking their chin hairs to prepare for what will surely be the most obnoxiously forced date they’ve ever been on. Not you though. No. Thanks to that bottle of Night Train that you drunkenly mistook for a fine rosé, you’ll be off to bed at a proper hour, and ready to embrace the most important day for any self- respecting single person:

The Morning After Valentine’s Day

While most people are waking up sprawled across the bed of some trollop or buffoon they’ve claimed as their mate, you’ll be gently patted awake by your cat, dehydrated, yet well rested, in the middle of your own bed. Now, I realize this blog is generally about food that other people make for you in fancy restaurants, but your morning after Valentine’s Day meal is not about that. Unless it’s Father’s Day and you’ve ventured out to IHOP to watch the strained interactions between single fathers and the children they see on weekends and holidays, which it isn’t, you really have no business being outside of your house at breakfast time.

Today is the day you grab your can of Batter Blaster and start making angry heart shapes on the griddle. May I suggest that when you plate them, you plate them on fine china. Nothing classes up a turd for Instagram like Grandma’s china and a sprig of cilantro, which is cheaper than parsley. Maybe you can accompany this meal with pink-dyed milk. You know…cause Valent….whatever. Only you need to know that the “milk” is actually the last carton of egg nog that the grocery store had, which you bought to remind you of Christmas, when, just months ago, even the loneliest, weirdest family member received his due affection.

Now that your meal is prepared, you can sit down at your television and flip through channels, hoping to find a sympathetic special, maybe, “At Least Your Mother Loves You, Charlie Brown.” Ah! What’s that? You had the foresight to purchase a second bottle of “rosé?” Well then…happy day after Valentine’s Day, young lover.

Hi citizens. I haven’t talked to you for a while. Last time we spoke, I was spouting fatalistic pronouncements about happiness and stuff. Since then, I have suffered, almost died, and gotten a flu shot.

I’m healthy now, in my soul, thanks for caring. I still find reasons to cry but so joyfully now. I don’t walk, I skip. When I hear the crunch of Styrofoam underfoot, I think, “It’s just an urban pinecone.” I have so many new, highly effective habits. I am the Gilbert Blythe of Bingeworthy.

Excited to keep reading? Yayeah!

F Yeah Little Fork

I was the first to arrive, so naturally, I hung my purse on the nearest bar hook and ordered the closest thing to a Manhattan. Please stare at it for a moment.

The Maestro – wheated bourbon, averna, cinnamon, clove, angostura

Sweet, sweet averna. I ordered another during our meal, which I didn’t finish. Great show of restraint, I think.

I Totally Remember This Part

The meal began with pickled fennel and radishes served in mason jars. The fennel was sweet and crunchy. I loved it. Fried pigskin in the shape of ears followed. Good, but less crunchy than the fennel. Honestly, I was wanting Baken-etts? My friends ordered oysters and fancy poutine. Not crunchy at all.

In Which I Try To Remember What Else I Ate

Oh! Mike ordered a fucking fantastic ham thing with an apple thing on the side. And there were other delicious items. Some Brussels sprouts and/or cauliflower tasted great. There was maybe a short rib situation. I took a picture of a giant white glob and another picture of a blurry shadow. Then, I went to the bathroom and took a picture of myself. Then the meal was over and I went to my dark place.

My brain.

The outside of my brain.

In Conclusion

Little Fork is the greatest! Go there! Read Cory’s review, then go to Little Fork, please!

PS – I’ll be more on my game next week. Shut up. Also, if you were with me at Little Fork, kindly leave a comment and tell me what I ate?

We did something new this week and put our Spoonful review up on Yelp! Have you ever heard of this website? Well it must be popular because Spoonful responded almost immediately!

——–

Hi Cory,

Mark T. has sent you a message on Yelp:

Your Review
“Hi Cory! I am sorry to hear that your experience was not up to our standards. We, at Spoonful, strive to ensure that every guest leaves wanting to come back again for another visit. I assure you we work very hard for every star that is bestowed upon us through our Yelp guests and have been diligent with our staff in making sure that the food quality and service standard are the best that they possibly can be. I would like to invite you back to Spoonful for a second visit. I would be glad to meet you in person and take you on a Southern journey of cuisine and hospitality. Please feel free to contact me at any time to set this up. I would love for you to walk away from your next experience with a smile on your face and stars in your eyes. Cheers!”

——–

This was absolutely the RIGHT thing to do. If you know a customer is unhappy you should always invite them back for a better experience. Sadly, we can’t go back. We would get special treatment and they would go out of their way to make sure we had an above average meal. But Bingeworthy needs to remain anonymous so that you get the real experience.

In the spirit of New Years Resolutions, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and realized there are no angles I haven’t already Instagrammed. So I was like, how else can I make people think I’m really cool? Since I tell everyone I’m a writer, I figured, how ‘bout I fix my vocabulary?

Still Not Stupider Enough

My face vocab has slimmed down significantly since high school. I’m now stupider than ever! This is reflected in my lazy overuse of popular slang right here on this website. To which you say, ZOMG who reads this internet blog anyway?!! To which I reply, Cory, Will and my mom!!!

For you three, I will try to avoid these words and phrases in 2013:

Awesome

This is a word I use in conversation and writing all the time. It means nothing and makes me sound like I was born in San Diego, which is inaccurate; I was born in Santa Monica.

Nice

I use this less in writing, but in conversation, I say “nice” when I don’t know what else to say. It means I’m not listening, or I’m listening, but I’m not interested. Or I’m worried about having to speak an original thought, so I use the term “nice” to make people understand I want them to talk more. It goes like this:

Some person: “I took the flyaway from Union Station to the airport.”
Me: “Nice!”
Another rando: “I’m from Novato.”
Me: “Oh, nice.”

Nice conveys ignorance or disinterest, so I’m retiring it.

Obsessed With

This is most often used in reference to obscure snack foods or styles of shoes. Srsly, stop it.

Not so much or “Yeah, not so much”

A popular, shortened version of this is, “Yeah, no.” As in “I’m a judgmental cunt, and when I see your ever so slight muffin top, I say to the world, ‘yeah, no.’”

Disgusting

This is a strong word that should be reserved for descriptions of decaying garbage or egregious racism.

The “best” or “the best ever”

Let’s stop with the hyperbole.

JFYI and Just Sayin’

These are in the same category as “no offense, but…” JFYI is an acronym or something like that, which makes it twice as rude.

Sorry

As in, “Sorry, can’t. This is on.” I love this one. I’m not really sorry; I’m just saying it, so I can be all like, hey this terrible-looking movie is probably terrible! Sadly, I didn’t invent this joke, somebody funny did.

Wait…as a punchline.

As in, let me describe this totally illogical thing I plan to do, while you watch me realize mid-sentence what a dumb idea it is. To signal this epiphany, I’ll say “waiiiiit…” really slowly. I didn’t invent this, and I should stop pretending it’s new, or remotely funny.

Dubbed

Don’t be cute with that word. Jonathan Safran Foer already did. It was annoying then, and it is still annoying.

For Reals

Using kiddie phrases is fun and also annoying.

Questionable

It was good while it lasted. Now every fucking thing is questionable, and it’s making me anxious.

Delicious

I can still use it sometimes, but let’s thesaurus that shit every once in a while.

Dial it down

Any phrase coined in a boardroom should be off limits. Sooo…sorry that happened.

That happened, #happening, that moment when and just kidding.

I feel like Dane Cook invented all of these.

I feel like…

Really? Can you “feel” a thing that is factual? No, you fuckin’ hippie. Stop talking like a palm reader.

k?

Is an abominably smug way to end a sentence.

Fail, Epic, Epic Fail

Surfers can use these terms. Maybe skateboarders. Professional skateboarders and surfers. That’s about it.

#Anything

My brother says #hashtags aren’t funny and should not be a thing.

WTF NOW???!!!

Crap, there are no words left! Should I just start writing my posts in Emoji? Smiley face champagne flute lightning bolt heart cactus, everyone!

Why the fuck is there a cactus?

In an effort to bring you a more streamlined blog, Mehgers and I have decided to get rid of a few words and phrases that have been overused; both by us and the general population.

Cray Cray

I used this phrase once as a euphemism for “crazy” and received quite a bit of slack publicly and privately. I thought the cool kids were using it. Turns out, just douches use it.

Douches

I don’t know exactly when the term “douche” became so ubiquitous. I think Judd Apatow started it when he was making funny movies geared toward every age bracket. Anyway, I use it often. I like it. But I think it is becoming an overplayed, vague descriptor and one that I often use to describe bartenders who think they are cool. Like the mustachioed douche who made my drinks the other night at Bow and Truss. I might just reserve that word for anyone with a moustache…including girls.

Hipster

Megan had a big sit down with me a few months ago about our my overuse of the word “hipster” in real life and Bingeworthy posts. She said just because you live on the East Side of Los Angeles, wear vintage clothes you pretend not to care about and can identify the lineage of a mixologist by the angles of their ice cubes, it doesn’t classify you as a hipster. We had this conversation at The Varnish, where en vogue bartender, Marcos Tello, was working, and Megan wanted to show me this sweater she just bought that came with a cigarette burn hole in it.

No Worries

I really despise this oft used overly casual phrase. Example: I say to my waiter, “May I get a glass of water when ya get a sec?” His response, “No worries, man. I’ll be right back with your water.” Guess what….I REALLY WASN’T THAT WORRIED ABOUT IT! I hadn’t lost any sleep over it and I am not currently choking. So how about this instead. “Sure, I’ll be right back with your water”. Also, it is almost always a male server who says “no worries”. Like he needs me to know he is really cool and chill. Cuz I care.

White Guys With Dredlocks

This obviously is not a word or a phrase and it has nothing to do with food or Bingeworthy. I just hate them.

Wunderkind

If you are twelve years old and are the executive chef of a Michelin star restaurant then yes, you are a Wunderkind. Otherwise, you are just a “talented young chef”.

Gastropub

I dunno… just call it something else.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This is Megan. Cory likes to tell fake stories about me, like the one in which we were at the Varnish together on a night Marcos Tello was working (I was there alone), or the one in which I bought a sweater with a cigarette burn hole (it’s a regular hole on top of a stain). Or the epic lie in which our legit douchey bartender at Bow & Truss had a moustache (it was just a disgusting 5 o’clock shadlow). That last sentence was a little preview of words I need to excise from my own vocabulary. I’ll confess my sins and set the record straight next week.