In the spirit of New Years Resolutions, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and realized there are no angles I haven’t already Instagrammed. So I was like, how else can I make people think I’m really cool? Since I tell everyone I’m a writer, I figured, how ‘bout I fix my vocabulary?
Still Not Stupider Enough
face vocab has slimmed down significantly since high school. I’m now stupider than ever! This is reflected in my lazy overuse of popular slang right here on this website. To which you say, ZOMG who reads this internet blog anyway?!! To which I reply, Cory, Will and my mom!!!
For you three, I will try to avoid these words and phrases in 2013:
This is a word I use in conversation and writing all the time. It means nothing and makes me sound like I was born in San Diego, which is inaccurate; I was born in Santa Monica.
I use this less in writing, but in conversation, I say “nice” when I don’t know what else to say. It means I’m not listening, or I’m listening, but I’m not interested. Or I’m worried about having to speak an original thought, so I use the term “nice” to make people understand I want them to talk more. It goes like this:
Some person: “I took the flyaway from Union Station to the airport.”
Another rando: “I’m from Novato.”
Me: “Oh, nice.”
Nice conveys ignorance or disinterest, so I’m retiring it.
This is most often used in reference to obscure snack foods or styles of shoes. Srsly, stop it.
Not so much or “Yeah, not so much”
A popular, shortened version of this is, “Yeah, no.” As in “I’m a judgmental cunt, and when I see your ever so slight muffin top, I say to the world, ‘yeah, no.’”
This is a strong word that should be reserved for descriptions of decaying garbage or egregious racism.
The “best” or “the best ever”
Let’s stop with the hyperbole.
JFYI and Just Sayin’
These are in the same category as “no offense, but…” JFYI is an acronym or something like that, which makes it twice as rude.
As in, “Sorry, can’t. This is on.” I love this one. I’m not really sorry; I’m just saying it, so I can be all like, hey this terrible-looking movie is probably terrible! Sadly, I didn’t invent this joke, somebody funny did.
Wait…as a punchline.
As in, let me describe this totally illogical thing I plan to do, while you watch me realize mid-sentence what a dumb idea it is. To signal this epiphany, I’ll say “waiiiiit…” really slowly. I didn’t invent this, and I should stop pretending it’s new, or remotely funny.
Don’t be cute with that word. Jonathan Safran Foer already did. It was annoying then, and it is still annoying.
Using kiddie phrases is fun and also annoying.
It was good while it lasted. Now every fucking thing is questionable, and it’s making me anxious.
I can still use it sometimes, but let’s thesaurus that shit every once in a while.
Dial it down
Any phrase coined in a boardroom should be off limits. Sooo…sorry that happened.
That happened, #happening, that moment when and just kidding.
I feel like Dane Cook invented all of these.
I feel like…
Really? Can you “feel” a thing that is factual? No, you fuckin’ hippie. Stop talking like a palm reader.
Is an abominably smug way to end a sentence.
Fail, Epic, Epic Fail
Surfers can use these terms. Maybe skateboarders. Professional skateboarders and surfers. That’s about it.
My brother says #hashtags aren’t funny and should not be a thing.
Crap, there are no words left! Should I just start writing my posts in Emoji? Smiley face champagne flute lightning bolt heart cactus, everyone!
Why the fuck is there a cactus?