By Daniel Blanchard
Today is Valentine’s Day, the feast day of poor Valentinus, who was brutally tortured and executed by the Romans on this very day in 273 AD for merrily and carelessly marrying soldiers to each other with complete disregard for law and convention.
Right at this moment, somewhere between one thousand and several billion people are brushing their teeth and plucking their chin hairs to prepare for what will surely be the most obnoxiously forced date they’ve ever been on. Not you though. No. Thanks to that bottle of Night Train that you drunkenly mistook for a fine rosé, you’ll be off to bed at a proper hour, and ready to embrace the most important day for any self- respecting single person:
The Morning After Valentine’s Day
While most people are waking up sprawled across the bed of some trollop or buffoon they’ve claimed as their mate, you’ll be gently patted awake by your cat, dehydrated, yet well rested, in the middle of your own bed. Now, I realize this blog is generally about food that other people make for you in fancy restaurants, but your morning after Valentine’s Day meal is not about that. Unless it’s Father’s Day and you’ve ventured out to IHOP to watch the strained interactions between single fathers and the children they see on weekends and holidays, which it isn’t, you really have no business being outside of your house at breakfast time.
Today is the day you grab your can of Batter Blaster and start making angry heart shapes on the griddle. May I suggest that when you plate them, you plate them on fine china. Nothing classes up a turd for Instagram like Grandma’s china and a sprig of cilantro, which is cheaper than parsley. Maybe you can accompany this meal with pink-dyed milk. You know…cause Valent….whatever. Only you need to know that the “milk” is actually the last carton of egg nog that the grocery store had, which you bought to remind you of Christmas, when, just months ago, even the loneliest, weirdest family member received his due affection.
Now that your meal is prepared, you can sit down at your television and flip through channels, hoping to find a sympathetic special, maybe, “At Least Your Mother Loves You, Charlie Brown.” Ah! What’s that? You had the foresight to purchase a second bottle of “rosé?” Well then…happy day after Valentine’s Day, young lover.